The Weight of a Subscription and a Dream

Beratnya Sebuah Langganan dan Sebuah Mimpi

Hari ini gw rada capek gitu. Bukan capek fisik sih, lebih ke capek pikiran. Gak moody buat mulai sesuatu. Padahal ada keinginan buat lanjut vibe coding, berlangganan Claude Code lah, buat bikin tempat jualan online software. Tapi seperti ada yang menahan. Gak tau kenapa.

Mungkin karena mikirnya panjang. Soalnya langganan Claude Code itu sebulan hampir 400 ribuan. 400 ribu. Lumayan kan buat gesek kartu kredit? Tapi di sisi lain, ini juga penting. Buat ngembangin ide, buat produktif. Tapi ya itu, lagi jujur gak ada duit sama sekali. Hiks.

Trus kepikiran juga, bocah udah mulai gede. Kebutuhan makin banyak. Rasanya ada banget keinginan buat beli laptop baru sebagai sarana vibe coding. Laptop sekarang lagi mahal-mahalnya juga. Kalo beli, jelas bakal membebani. Tapi kenapa ya, tetep kepikiran terus.

Rencananya sih, laptop itu mau ditaro di kantor bini. Jadi pas gw jemput dia, gak cuma bengong nunggu. Bisa buka laptop, vibe coding 1 jam an. Lumayan kan, ada produktifitasnya daripada cuma bengong doang. Daripada scroll sosmed gak jelas, mending ngetik kode.

Gw jadi inget, dulu waktu masih sering bengong nunggu, rasanya waktu kebuang gak berarti. Padahal 1 jam itu kalo dipake buat coding, bisa banyak progress. Tapi kenapa ya rasanya berat banget buat memulai? Padahal cuma butuh laptop dan koneksi internet.

Apa mungkin ini karena gw terlalu banyak mikir? Apa mungkin karena gw takut gak konsisten? Takut udah bayar langganan, udah beli laptop, tapi malah gak kepake maksimal. Takut itu cuma jadi beban finansial lain yang gak jelas baliknya.

Gw jadi bingung. Antara pengen serius ngejar mimpi jualan software online, tapi di sisi lain ada tanggungan dan kondisi dompet yang lagi tipis. Antara pengen produktif, tapi diselimuti rasa ragu dan capek yang gak jelas asalnya.

Apa gw terlalu egois kalo tetep maksa beli laptop dan langganan Claude Code? Atau justru ini investasi buat masa depan yang lebih baik? Gw gak tau jawabannya. Entahlah.

Yang gw tau, rasanya ada sesuatu yang mengganjal di hati. Seperti ada suara kecil yang bilang, "Lakukan aja, nanti juga jalan." Tapi ada juga suara lain yang bilang, "Jangan, nanti malah jadi beban."

Mungkin ini yang namanya dewasa. Antara keinginan dan tanggung jawab. Antara mimpi dan realita. Dan gw masih di tengah, berusaha mencari jalan tengah yang gak bikin nyesel nantinya.

Ya sudahlah. Mungkin gw cuma perlu tidur sebentar. Atau mungkin gw cuma perlu berhenti overthinking. Karena kadang, langkah pertama adalah yang paling berat.

Tapi ya, tetap aja..

Hiks.

The Weight of a Subscription and a Dream

Today, I'm feeling a bit tired. Not physically tired, more like mentally drained. Not in the mood to start anything. Even though I really want to continue vibe coding, maybe subscribe to Claude Code, to build an online store for software. But something is holding me back. I don't know why.

Maybe because I'm overthinking. Claude Code is almost 400 thousand rupiahs a month. 400 thousand. That's a decent amount to swipe on a credit card, right? But on the other hand, it's also important. For developing ideas, for being productive. But yeah, honestly, I don't have any money right now. Hiks.

Then I think, my kid is growing up. Needs are increasing. I really want to buy a new laptop for vibe coding. Laptops are expensive these days too. If I buy one, it'll definitely be a burden. But why do I keep thinking about it?

My plan is to put the laptop at my wife's office. So when I pick her up, I'm not just spacing out waiting. I can open the laptop, do some vibe coding for an hour or so. It's better than just zoning out, right? Better than scrolling social media aimlessly, better to write some code.

I remember, back when I used to just wait around doing nothing, it felt like time wasted. One hour could be used for coding and make a lot of progress. But why does it feel so heavy to start? Even though all I need is a laptop and internet.

Maybe this is because I'm thinking too much? Maybe because I'm afraid I won't be consistent? Afraid that after paying for the subscription and buying the laptop, I won't use them to the fullest. Afraid it'll just become another financial burden with no clear return.

I'm confused. I want to seriously chase the dream of selling software online, but on the other hand, there are responsibilities and a thin wallet. I want to be productive, but I'm wrapped in doubt and fatigue with no clear source.

Am I being selfish if I insist on buying a laptop and subscribing to Claude Code? Or is it actually an investment for a better future? I don't know the answer. I really don't.

What I do know is, there's something nagging at my heart. Like a small voice saying, "Just do it, it'll work out." But there's also another voice saying, "Don't, it'll just become a burden."

Maybe this is what being an adult is. Between desire and responsibility. Between dreams and reality. And I'm still in the middle, trying to find a middle ground that I won't regret later.

Oh well. Maybe I just need to sleep for a bit. Or maybe I just need to stop overthinking. Because sometimes, the first step is the hardest.

But still..

Hiks.